Until this point, I have had only two aspirations: to be a loving husband and a good father.
This in and of itself is, if I may say so, admirable. The means I have employed until now-constantly examining and evaluating my moral behavior and becoming as highly educated as I can-are at least somewhat commendable as well (again, if I may say so).
However, both have caused me nothing but misery.
And because I am miserable, I have not taken the most crucial step toward becoming a loving husband and a good father: meeting a woman.
Instead, I spend a lot of time by myself. Blogging. Or comparing the Senate to the House of Lords. Or wondering the ethical value of not having waited six more seconds after already having waited ten to hold the door open for someone.
As far as questioning my actions, constantly trying to better myself, I feel there is nothing I can do. The person I have allowed myself to become will likely always weigh the moral worth of my actions from here until death (which I have always looked forward to, but never so much as now).
Today I realized: I fucking hate school. I haven't learned anything of any worth to anyone on this planet, including myself. This whole charade has been for nought. I intended to go to college in order to earn an MBA so that I might make enough money for my wife and children to live comfortably. I quickly learned that I'd have no such luck, so instead opted to become a political science major (which is a foolish decision I have come to regret every day), naively thinking that the only subject any lawyer had ever majored in was this useless drivel. This is not to say that I desire to become a lawyer-again, I think of this profession simply as one that might catapult me into bigger and better ones (ideally, a judge or legal theorist).
Neither the bachelor's degree I am to earn next summer (thank God) nor the advanced degree that I hope to attain is of any value to me personally.
These professions are appealing to me for two reasons, and two only. I've attended college and sought my advanced degree that I might earn an impressive salary. I have not sought any money for myself, but rather for the family I'd hope I might have, though I am quickly coming to realize that the trouble with dreams is that "they don't come true". Now that I have squandered my other opportunities (I really wish that lesson about the opportunity costs of earning a college degree in high school economics had resonated as much back then as it does now) though, I must make the best of a bad situation. So, being optimistic, whether or not I marry, and whether or not I do become a judge or a legal theorist, at the very least I can be a lawyer. This profession, as far as I can see, has only one benefit: it allows me to sit around and think intently about words.
When I was a kid, I only wanted one thing out of life: to play in the Big Leagues. Now this dream is little more than a faded memory-a series of trophies collecting dust on a shelf above the bed I keep at my parents' house. At a point in my life I became convinced that chasing dreams and aspiring for an enjoyable career wasn't for me.
If I encounter a time machine, I will do one of two things: travel back to that exact moment in time, or travel forward to my final moments on Earth, just to see if I'd have any company.
At this rate, I doubt I will.
Darren.
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