I'M NOT DOWN

Today, I realized life is a film. I'm not expecting any Oscars for mine, which is disappointing as I've directed it and played the lead role.

I expect, though, that my supporting cast will receive quite a few nominations. I can't necessarily credit myself for casting this film. In many ways, some of the actors whose performances I've most thoroughly enjoyed have been rather thrust upon me. I hope you understand that this is not a complaint, but a recognition of a blessing. I am a passive person in many ways, and without being introduced to people, I imagine the time I spend alone listening to Bright Eyes would double or triple.

In many ways, I feel like Ed Wood. He is regarded by many film critics (who know much more than I) as the worst director of all-time. He starred in many of his films as well (notably Glenn or Glenda? which, unfortunately, I have not yet seen). Many regard Wood as delusional.

I tend to disagree. He and I share the desire to express ourselves with the media at our disposal. Unlike me, he had the determination to continue making films in spite of constant criticism. Were I viewed with such disfavor, I'd likely cut my losses and "say fuck the lemons and bail." His uncompromising will to self-expression should serve as an inspiration to all.

This blog is no stranger to absurdity, fantasy and whimsy. Thus I implore you to imagine a scenario in which I, as Ed Wood, am directing and starring in a film alongside Ingrid Bergman. (This is a scenario I often imagine, as Ingrid Bergman is a veritable fox.) The only thing is, the supporting actors are Carey Grant, Jimmy Stewart and Humphrey Bogart. Katharine Hepburn, Kim Novak, and Sophia Loren play the women's roles. (Like I said, imagine.)

It sounds like a disaster, right?

Right.

And that's my life. I've been given a rough outline of the plot (birth, life, death [which I hope will involve a volcano or some sort of explosion (or implosion)]) and a tremendous supporting cast. I'm trying to turn my life from Birdemic to Notorious. I have faith that the others cast in my film will turn me into a great director.

I'm the type of person who needs to be pushed. As I have reiterated, I'm also the type of person that learns things the hard way. I'm also a creature of comfort.

While my friends and family have offered nothing but undying support (for which I am eternally grateful), I have disappointed myself on innumerable occasions. Though it is true that I hold myself to the highest of standards (which I consistently fail to meet), I think it's reasonable to assume that I have disappointed others by failing to meet their expectations as well.

I hope to improve the quality of my life this summer (and hope that the "Summer of Darren" will be more fruitful than the "Summer of George"). I am certain that this cannot be done without my friends and family (or "cast" if you're still following the film metaphor).

"Confidence is preparation," a very good friend once told me. Preparation comes from familiarity and the recognition of patterns (which I ought to blog about at another time). Until I can leave my apartment for stretches of longer than the time it takes to get Chipotle, I cannot expect to lead a satisfying or fulfilled life.

I have asked and will continue to ask those closest to me to push me, to take me away from my comfort zone. I am a complainer and asking them to do this is rather unfair because I'll likely be bitching and moaning all the while. Hopefully I'll learn a number of life lessons this summer, in a sort of Being Human crash-course, if you will.

I have clearly delineated my personal and professional goals (work, go to the gym, prepare at least 80% of my meals, read). I have equipped myself with a maxim (always play to your strengths and keep it simple) that I hope will be passed on to my children as my father's was to me. He and I are quite different men. His maxim is what he would likely call a "three-step path to success". It is more succinct and more universally applicable than my maxim, but that is to be expected given our personality differences. He, as one who literally always has a plan, is always striving to accomplish something each day, is an inspiration. I hope to emulate his pattern of daily achievements. But he has his shit together. He follows a routine. I don't have my shit together. I don't follow a routine.

I hope that my friends will take the initiative to push me until I can challenge myself and summon my own initiative. I hope that I can achieve something every day like my father. And I hope I'll find within me the uncompromising, never-take-no-for-an-answer attitude of Ed Wood. I hope inspiration of some sort decides to grace me and to guide me in some direction, even if it's as simple as getting my shit together.

While I do believe that the last three years have undoubtedly been the worst consecutive three through which I've suffered, as the title of the blog says, I'm not down.

Instead, I'm rather looking forward to this summer. I wouldn't call it optimism per se... It's more like a willingness to see how good or bad this movie turns out. Hell, it's bound to be better than some of the shit that's coming out this summer. (Hollywood: looking at hot people is what Playboy is for... not film! For fuck's sake, please make a good movie soon!)

Darren.