HOLD ON LOOSELY

"...but don't let go; if you cling too tightly, you're going to lose control."

As an avid baseball fan (or, as avid as one can be without cable television), the image of someone getting hit in the face with a baseball bat comes to mind when hearing "hold on loosely". Hence the image above.

More pertinent to the lyrics of the song though, as a person who possesses no interpersonal relationship skills, I haven't the slightest idea when to give up hope that the girl I am interested in has any interest in me.

I feel justified in being somewhat unhappy that she gave me her phone number under the pretense of interest (sharing "coffee or something" [I'm rather glad I didn't say "coffee or some shit" (sorry Alison)] when she knew full well she would be in the Bay Area during the time this intended get together would likely be scheduled. Though I do accept that she may not feel that she owed it to me based on the fact that we cannot in any way be construed as "seeing each other" at that point, let alone with any semblance of exclusivity, I still think it was discourteous at some level. I am, however, pretty dramatic so I'm not sure whether or not this is reasonable.

As far as getting to know her outside the limited time we spent interacting face-to-face, I have texted her trying to reach out to her and get to know her better and, of course (because it's through text message) I cannot gauge her level of interest to any degree. I wish I could somehow convey to her that I'm really interested in getting to know her and that that's the reason I text her.

I decided to call her yesterday with the intent of asking her how her first day at her new internship was. I thought that this was a nice gesture that conveys more seriousness than a text message is able to and shows that I listen and am actively interested in the things she tells me.

But, since she didn't answer, I now feel like the weird guy whose call she's not returning rather than the nice guy who wanted to ensure that she had a great first day at work.

I've never been the type to take risks. I don't much like being rejected. I get nervous when things are unpredictable or uncertain. Given all this, I am very willing to give up the hope that she's interested.

I can find satisfaction-whether she is interested in me or not, whether she is avoiding my call or not-not only in the fact that I even approached a girl so beautiful in the first place, but in that I have been as thoughtful and sincere as is appropriate given the fact that we hardly know each other.

From the vantage point of one who is increasingly self-aware, my hope is to love the person that I am. I'm still a while away from that, but hell-a man can dream, can't he?

Darren.