PEOPLE ARE STRANGE

Some fidgety blonde fuck just showed up at my door trying to bamboozle me.

A few things surprised me about this particular action:

1.) that I actually got up off the couch,

2.) that I answered the door for this guy,

3.) that he talked so Goddamn fast,

4.) that he seemed honest at first, and

5.) that someone would try to put one past me-you gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool me.

The whole interaction was really surreal. First, he introduced himself as my neighbor which is certainly plausible as I'm essentially a hermit and wouldn't recognize a damn one of my neighbors (aside from the locos next door).

So he launched into this story about trying to improve his public speaking skills. As a liar, this was his best move. The way he made eye contact with me almost fooled me into thinking he could have been sincere but looking at it in hindsight, he was obviously just trying to sell me something.

He proceeded to tell me he was accumulating points for some sort of contest. The entire time he talked to me, he interjected every few seconds asking if he was earning any points from me. I just played along and said yes, because I wanted to see where this fidgety motherfucker was going to take this.

Then he just started handing me stuff. First, a laminated page with the Eiffel Tower, the Vatican and Big Ben. He told me that he was trying to accumulate points to go to Rome because he was interested in art, but also (and I'm not making this up) "maybe smack the Pope around a few times for touching little boys where they pee."

So needless to say, I thought he was funny at least.

But then he just lost me. He handed me another pamphlet and told me that if I opened it, I'd find men's edible underwear, and asked me if I'd like that. So I said "No dude... You gotta get outta here." So he laughed and opened the pamphlet, showing me that he was trying to sell me magazine subscriptions.

Magazine subscriptions? Are you fucking kidding me dude?

If you want to sucker me into something, it's going to need to involve beer or chocolate.

Magazine subscriptions? Who's interested in magazines?

I just gave him the most befuddled look I've ever given anyone in my life (except for my roommate, who tries to explain multi-variable calculus to me, a guy who barely passed Stats) and told him I hadn't the slightest interest in buying magazine subscriptions.

At this point, I was just pissed because he had made me think I was doing him a favor the whole time. I like doing strangers favors. Especially giving directions to wanderers. It's a no commitment favor. Whether I help them or not, I spent all that time entertaining their weird rants so I can justify being my normal curmudgeony self.

Had I know this guy was trying to get me to buy magazine subscriptions for myself, I would have slammed the door in his face the first chance.

Oh, but wait! He told me I could buy them as a gift for my girlfriend or Mom! Dude! You're telling me I can just pay you cash for these magazine subscriptions, and have them sent to someone else's address? That's brilliant!

Back to reality, though. First of all, I don't have a girlfriend. Second of all, even if you were sending magazine subscriptions (which you obviously weren't) and some shitty magazine showed up in my family's mailbox, two things would happen: my Mom would promptly throw away what she thought was junk mail until my Dad found the magazines with my name on them and think to himself: Damn, my son is an idiot. He probably got bamboozled by some sucker talking about points, the Pope and edible underwear! Though I'm not sure anyone is that clairvoyant, it certainly would make this post a little more entertaining.

I'd just like to reflect on what this post is really trying to convey: I do have some moral code and some expectation of etiquette. And, despite how skewed they are, this guy totally crossed the line.

Don't invite yourself into my house and try to sell me "magazine subscriptions"! I'm insulted that this kid thought he was clever enough to pull a maneuver like that in the first place, but that he pulled me away from FIFA is a whole different matter.

To anyone who lives in my building: close the fucking door behind you!

To any future swindlers at my doorstep: at least come when my roommates are here so they'll answer the door and entertain me by interacting with you.